wanted needed to take a few days after finding out what our fourth child’s gender is before announcing it. Time to sort through my own feelings before continuing to be bombarded with comments and hysterical statements on various topics like: are we going to keep going until we have a girl, will I have my parts removed, and the one I don’t have the answer to – how are you going to deal with four kids.
No I’m not going to keep pumping out kids, some parts will be removed as I do have that 10cm mass in my ovary, and no you can’t pay the doctor to remove all my baby making organs – I do need some of those to get through my pre-menopause years. The only way to answer the latter is I don’t know exactly how life will be with four children. All I can say that I’ll probably do what I did with one, two and three kids. Take each day one at a time and each mistake filled lesson as it comes.
It’s hard to explain my thoughts as soon as the technician told us that we were having our fourth boy. There was no time to prepare either. She literally squirted the gel on my skin, put the wand down and froze the screen on his three legs. I’ve wanted to have a daughter since I was a little girl myself. I don’t want to make little of someone having a miscarriage as I understand that pain. While it was very early in my pregnancy it ended after the stick but before the doctor, I still wonder to this day if that little mass of cells was my daughter – or if it was just a hopeful person seeing two faint lines when in fact there was only one.
I feel like I’ve lost something -someone- over and over. A void that hasn’t been filled no matter how hard I try to count my blessings and ask for forgiveness for wanting so badly. Talking the other day with my cousin, who has had a full-term still birth and understands one of the greatest sorrows a mother can bear, she made me think of the book “Heaven is For Real”. When it’s my time to go hang out with the Lord will I get to meet that mass of cells that barely had a chance to form?
hen I found out that our third child was a boy I cried in the quiet moments by myself over the following two days. My heart broke then as well as now, but you know that third child of mine is one of the coolest kids ever (just like his brothers). I love his personality and how much of a mama’s boy he is. He loves to snuggle and be rocked – something I miss with kid one and two. Each passing day I’m reminded at how fast they really do grow and how easy it is to forget the little things I swore I never would.
I still have a lot of pent up issues to work through with all of this unexpected baby emotions. Many of them, of course related to that empty void but also issues with family. I know that my life is not the normal mainstream life. I choose to use items like cloth diapers, my own cleaning products, breastfeed beyond 6 weeks, and gasp allow the kids to run around in their underwear and superhero blankets.
Yes, I support women taking control of their own bodies and allowing nature to take it’s course when it comes to childbirth. I prefer a midwife over a typical OB/GYN even though some family thinks it’s an unsafe choice. Honestly, I’m more scared of a Caesarean birth (a.k.a. c-section) then having a baby in the middle of the woods – by myself with only a dried out twig as my comfort.
It’s okay that my opinions on birthing, feeding and raising children are different then others around me. What kind of a world would if be if we all did the same thing? I have accepted (or I like to try to say that I have) that I’ll always be seen as the weird one that has no clue what she’s talking about in some circles. I’m trying to accept that I have strangers emailing me daily for advice yet with my own family I’m the absolute last resort.
While talking to one of my best friends I said something in the conversation that really hit me. It was along the lines of not having to give my kids the world of possessions but instead love and a solid relationship. To me I would much rather my kids have a mother they can turn to no matter what and be the first person on their minds (after their wives of course) that they want to call and talk to when something is wrong, sad or spectacular.
We may not go to some of the great places I went to while growing up. Traveling as a family of five soon-to-be six is not cheap. We’ll fill our time with amazing backyard camping adventures, hiking trips, silly songs, and yes even slapping our knees as we squeal in delight when mommy accidentally adds too much vinegar to the baking soda cleaning mix.
So today I’ll shed a few tears as I finish going through all my saved up girly cloth diapers and remove the images of summer dresses, baby dolls, and tea parties from my head. Instead my home will continue to be filled with the best bodyguards a mom could ask for, daily wrestling matches that I get the honor of the final call, and heaps of metal cars that always seem to be in the oddest of places when the bladder screams at me late at night.
I am truly blessed to have three such amazing little boys that are already growing into sweet, caring gentlemen. I know there are three ladies out there that are going to be so lucky to have them as their husbands. (Yes, to all of you wondering Marty has trained the boys well – they do put the seat down!) I also have a baby that I get to continue to love and experience in ways that I have so greatly missed. The flutters have begun, a little late with my anterior placenta, but like they say better late then never.
For the next 20 or less weeks I get to bond and love a child that I wasn’t expecting but I’m so grateful to have. He will be so loved and well protected with three older brothers to look out for him. Hunter can’t wait to share his room. Karter wants to show him how to put the puzzles together. Parker wants to give the baby his Buzz Lightyear. Me? Oddly, I am excited for all the late night feedings and staring into his little eyes while he’s wrapped all up in snugly blankets
So now that I’ve got stream of salty tears running down my face and two of my children are rubbing my shoulder telling me it’s okay and “you not die mama” I am going to go. There are hugs to be given out, lunches to be made, and games to be played.
I’m truly blessed.